I love you beyond belief. Three years ago, we were anxiously awaiting your arrival, and 2 1/2 years ago today, you arrived. You were all red and crinkly, and I was so very sick. But even through the haze of what was to become a massive surgery and agonizingly long eight weeks of recovery (and then months of figuring out how to live without a gallbladder), I remember the moment I first held you. I remember I sort of blacked out because the joy and the emotion was just so intense. I remember crying. And I remember feeling so in awe at this tiny little being that had grown and lived inside of me that was now out in the real world.
I had no idea where these past 2 1/2 years would bring us, what you would look like, or how my heart you would capture completely. I knew there would be ups and downs, I just didn’t know how dramatic they would be. I didn’t know how much fun we would have together – working puzzles and collecting rocks and reading books. I didn’t know what an awesome big sister you would be, or how loving and gentle you would be with your kitty cat. I had no idea how intensely you would do everything you do, or how vast your mood swings would be.
I knew some things, though. I knew we were blessed beyond measure. I knew that God had a special plan for your life. I knew that no matter what you ever did or said, I would love you. And that knowledge has not changed.
On the days when you are silly and we laugh and giggle and snuggle, I love you. On the days when you refuse to eat and throw your food in the floor, I love you. On the days when you bring me book after book after book to read, I love you. On the days when you scream “NO!” and tell me to stop talking, I love you. Because my love is unconditional. I’ll never understand this love that God has placed in my heart, but I am so very, very thankful for it. At 2 1/2,you are sometimes the sweetest child I have ever known, and then 5 minutes later you can be a terror. It comes with the age, and I know in your heart that you WANT to do the right things. I see the love in your eyes. I see the sorrow and the tears when you mess up. I know you are learning. And even when my job is hard, even when I just want to give in and give up, I will stand strong. Because I know you are counting on me.
I love you even when I say “no.” I love you even whenI say “not right now.” I love you even when I say “that’s not safe.” I love you even when I say “stop.”
Because I love you, I say, “no.” Because I love you, I say, “not right now.” Because I love you, I say, “that’s not safe.” Because I love you, I say, “stop.”
My job isn’t an easy one. It seems some days you are determined to turn off your ears and just be a kid. And on those days, I do the learning. God is teaching me patience. He’s showing me how to love even when it’s not easy. He is teaching me that being a Mommy is a great job – that I can not do alone. He’s teaching me to rely on Him.
And He is teaching you – whether you seem like you are listening, or not. Teaching you to respect, to love, to be patient, to be gentle, to be kind. He’s teaching you how to one day be a Mommy. I pray I will always be a good example to you of how to be a good Mommy. But I know some days I will falter. And on those days, I pray that you will see me turn to Him for my strength.
These past 2 1/2 years have been amazing. And I know the next 2 1/2 will go even faster, and then faster, and faster, and one day, many years from now, you’ll be sitting down with a piece of paper in your hand. It’ll have an email address and a password on it. And you’ll begin to pour over the countless letters I will have by that point sent to you. And I pray in that moment, the moment when you read THIS letter, that you will feel my love. That you will sense the desperation that sometimes I feel. That you will know the stress. That you will feel the incredible weakness that I admit to owning. That you will know I am human. That you will know that your little 2 1/2 year old self has taken me through so many trials already that sometimes I wonder how on earth I’ll survive your teenage years.
And in all those feelings, I want you to know that LOVE overshadows them all. Because it doesn’t matter what you throw at me (literally or figuratively!). This ship refuses to sink against the waves and the storm. My sails won’t rip. I will stand strong. I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. I will take tantrums in the floor standing strong. I will let you cry yourself to sleep, and watch you on the monitor to make sure you made it into the bed and got covered up so you won’t be cold. Because I LOVE YOU. No matter how stressed out. No matter how much coffee it takes to wake me up. No matter, no matter, no matter.
I LOVE YOU, Sweet Becca Boo. 2 1/2 years ago today, God placed you in my arms. I loved you then, I love you today, and I love you always – with a love that can only grow stronger throughout the years.
I LOVE YOU, baby girl.