Mommy’s Day

Becca Looking Back 2 (512x640)

I always imagined, dreamed in fact, about what it would be like to hear my child call me mommy.  Technically, she still calls me “mah-mah”, but it’s the most beautiful thing ever.  We’ll be driving down the road and I’ll hear “Mah-mah?”  And I’ll say, “Yes baby, I love you!”  And that’s all.  She doesn’t want anything else – just to hear me say “I love you.”  I dream of the day when she’ll say it back.  This Mommy’s Day (my first official) was bittersweet.  It was the day we had planned to take those cute family pictures and say something clever on Facebook about being “the four of us.”  Except that we’re still just the three of us.  Our number four – our second beautiful baby – is in Heaven with Jesus.  Saturday when we went to the Farmer’s Market as a family, it seemed every woman I saw had a little girl in a stroller and a baby in her belly.  I was hurting.  I spent a lot of the day Saturday in a funk.  Then Sunday came.  And I decided to make the most of it.

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Back a few months ago, when we first heard the term “chemical pregnancy,” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but my doctor went on to explain that something just didn’t take.  The implantation process went awry.  This baby had something wrong that just made it unable to survive.  But I felt it.  I knew I was pregnant from the moment of implantation (or as we now know, attempted implantation).  I got very dizzy.  And it was the right amount of days past ovulation.  By day two after implantation, I was 85% sure I was pregnant.  By that Monday (day three), I was 99% sure.  By Wednesday (a week after ovulation), I was 100% sure.  I had weird hormonal issues.  My body was in overdrive being pregnant.  I had a weird food aversion to bananas, and couldn’t eat enough tomatoes.  (Like literally, I ate an entire tomato with salt and pepper for my lunch more than once!)  My stomach would turn over every time I changed a poopy diaper.  I had a feeling it must be a boy because my hormones were so strong and so different from with Becca.  We were overjoyed.  Finally came the day I could take a test.  (I mean, not that I hadn’t taken a million tests hoping one would show positive early… but, ya know, the official “I’m late, let’s take a test” day.)  It was positive.  I was over the moon.  Becca and I took Cody to lunch to celebrate.  We told our family and a couple of very close friends.  Life was grand.  Until it wasn’t.  A few days later, at six weeks pregnant, I was bleeding.  Constantly.  A trip to the doctor told us everything we needed to know.  This wasn’t right.  This baby wasn’t healthy.  My doctor’s words from before we had Becca – “You won’t lose a healthy baby” – stuck in my mind.  It didn’t make it easier.  But by the time I saw the ultrasound, I was sure he was gone.  My little angel.  Definitely half of mommy, half of daddy, a young life.  But one that would never get the proper nutrition to grow into a beautiful little being.  And then I heard the words that would get me through it all, and through all the months after when trying didn’t work, and when people who didn’t know anything about it would say “So when is Becca going to have a little brother or sister?”  I heard the words that God spoke directly to my heart.

“God has given you another month with JUST Becca.”

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Use it wisely.   Don’t miss a moment.  Cling to every smile.  Every laugh.  Every little sigh.  Because it’s a gift.  We want more children.  Want them desperately.  Maybe just one more, but quite possibly two.  But for whatever reason, God has given us another month with just Becca.  So on Mother’s Day, as I felt the pain of not entering my second trimester and telling the world about our little bundle of joy, I decided to focus on my BIG bundle of Rebecca JOY.  We laughed.  We played.  We snuggled.  We got dressed up fancy and went to church.  We took pictures in our front yard.  We read books and walked in her big girl tennis shoes with the pink sparkles.  We wore matching shirts my mom had made for us.  We shared an Oreo Blizzard from Dairy Queen (her first ice cream).  We went to the park.  And I thoroughly enjoyed being Mommy to ONE precious. adorable, little girl.  She said “bird” for the first time, and continued to say her new word from Saturday, “ditty” (kitty).  She consistently signed “more” when she wanted more bites of food.  And she grew just a little more.

Mommy and Me (457x640)

She is a gift from God.  She has another angel looking out for her now.  While I yearn for the day when other little mouth(s) will call me “mommy” or “mah-mah”, I have learned an important lesson, and I will cherish the moments I have with my beautiful girl – just us.  For one day, just around the corner, she’ll be celebrating her own Mommy’s Day.

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One more day…

Sometimes I feel that my world is moving too quickly. I struggle to catch up. Between work, hobby-job, Becca’s care and teaching, errands to run, housework to do, it’s like the plate stands keep getting higher and higher and are spinning faster and faster. I’m sure one of these days they will just all come crashing down. And they did.

Last week I got the stomach bug. I was down and out. Wednesday I had to have Cody come back home from work to take care of Becca because I was so weak from the deluge out both ends that I could barely lift her, much less entertain her. I actually made her a bottle, dumped a bunch of puffs on the floor in her room, called that breakfast, and prayed for him to drive fast. I ended up taking some anti-nausea meds that made me sleep all day, and felt better enough for him to go back to work on Thursday.

This is trademark in my life. When I get so busy that God just has to do something to get my attention, He does it. He knocks me upside the head and says “BE STILL and know that I am God!” So then what do I do? I recover and start to fill in the gaps of everything I missed while I was sick. Did I learn the lesson? This time, I believe I did. Through my Bible study time this morning He has spoken.

I’ve started a fabulous book by Joanna Weaver called “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.” God is using it to transform my heart and to realize that having a good relationship with Him is not about making sure that the house is perfect, the table linens match, the dishes are spotless, and the food is 5star, nor worrying if the sheets are fresh and the bathrooms clean. It’s about knowing when to STOP and just sit at His feet and listen to what He has to say. I love how she puts it: “Because we are his children, Kitchen Service will be the natural result of Living Room Intimacy with God. Like Jesus, we must be about our Father’s business. The closer we draw to the heart of the Father, the more we see his heart for the world. And so we serve, we minister, we love, knowing that when we do it to ‘the least of these,’ we have done it unto Christ.”

Somehow, in all my busy-ness, the time flew by me. I missed it. I blinked. No, more like I booked travel, called clients, met with clients, did mountains of laundry, made dozens of cards, did hundreds of loads of dishes, vaccummed countless times, changed millions of diapers… Size Newborn, size one, size two, size three, size four, size five, night time pullups size 3t-4t. And I missed it. Oh, I was there. I have millions of pictures to prove it. But I feel like I missed it. One more day. Just one. That’s it. Just one more day and this girl will be eleven months old. ELEVEN!!! Holy crap!!! I think God smacked me just in time. Now- how do I make today the BEST day with my girl? How do I make today last forever? How do I turn a trip to the post office, dropping off stuff to a friend, and picking up a couple items at HEB into the BEST day in her little 10 month and 29 day old life? We’ll find out. God has a plan.

And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve me freaking out because her birthday party is one month from tomorrow and I have a million things to do!!

Mommy cries

Oh break my heart! Bless my dear- I got up to pee and check on her because I had a bad dream… And apparently she did too. Before I even got to her room, she started crying. So we danced for a little bit and got her a new diaper and a cup of ice water and snuggled for two songs. Then I put her back in her bed. (Was maybe up with her ten mins) For about one or two minutes (long enough for me to get back to bed), she cried like her heart was breaking. Oh, those cries when all she wants is me are so heart-wrenching! I’ll go check her soon and I’m sure she’ll be knocked out. I left the water cup with her and her George monkey and snuggled in her blanket. Plenty to soothe her, but I will always love and desire those two precious little arms reaching up for me and what I’ve come to know as my special cry. The cry that says “I want mommy and nothing or noone else will do.” Sigh. My heart is so full.

On the Lookout… For Wisdom

This morning I received a message from God. An email of sorts. Right here on my phone. I have very little time in my busy day for reading long scriptures, but I’m making an effort to start my day in the Word. I have an app for that, and it’s super awesome because a different verse is the verse of the day each day, as well as a Proverb each day. One usually applies in some dramatic way to my life.
So today I read Proverbs 3. I was rocking along thinking, oh, this is a good Proverb. Maybe I could write a blog post about trusting God in my life, etc. Then, He smacked me in the head.

Proverbs 3:13
Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
14
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
15
She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
16
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
17
Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
18
She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed.

19
By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place;
20
by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
and the clouds let drop the dew.

21
My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
22
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
23
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
24
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Wisdom. I have recently been feeling like I need to get back to reading, and that I need to make myself read some non-fiction because it’s been several years since my Master’s program was done, and I honestly haven’t learned a darn thing since. (Obviously, Becca teaches me something daily.).
So, I’m posting this out there for accountability. What I need to learn more about is God. A dear friend is sending me a Bible study book. I found another book I’m interested in about Mary and Martha. I am GOING to get those books, and I am GOING to read them. The wisdom I seek isn’t classroom knowledge. It’s the everlasting knowledge. I have become stagnate in my walk with God. If I am to have growth and be a light to those I’m in ministry to at church (middle school youth), then I need to continue to seek Him and learn more about Him.
So! Message received, Lord. I’m gonna work on getting those books and getting into Your Book more as well. I seek wisdom. I’m looking desperately.

Oh and, side-note. I didn’t miss the part about wisdom being left-handed. Maybe another thing I need to learn in my effort to relate to and be a better mommy to Becca is how to use my left hand a little more. Maybe Cody can teach me. 🙂

I’m also seeking gardening wisdom from library books- and am fascinated by our Master Gardener- He sent us this huge windstorm that nearly uprooted this bush (which He planted- I can’t take credit for it at all!), but yet it’s still blooming! Our God truly is an awesome God!

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