Faith – Butterbees and Bumbleflies

How Far She Has Come

For those who know Becca, and have known her for many years, you know the trials and tribulations. But for those who might just see this post and not know, I’m going to give a little background before I get to the excitement.

Becca was born seven years ago on Saturday, so we’re just two days away from all the birthday festivities. When she was born, she was immediately a handful and Cody and I found ourselves thrust into parenthood with a baby that was fussy. A lot. So we became avid followers of the “5 S’s” from “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” (It WORKS! Try it!!) As she got older, she became more and more headstrong, and was an extremely difficult toddler, who had frequent meltdowns. She was “that kid” in the store. Randomly. Without any apparent reason. And it wasn’t for lack of discipline. We tried everything. And then a friend’s son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and things started to fall into place. About that same time she started mentioning that her “nose doesn’t work.” After her talking about this a LOT, and even identifying herself with a child in a wheelchair whose legs didn’t work, we started taking her seriously and the doctor visits began. We ended up in a neurologist’s office with her taking a smell test. And then our world quit spinning. Her nose didn’t work. Anosmia. We were told that because she was unable to sense positive OR negative scents, she was missing the nerves that connected her nose to her brain, and would never smell. She was termed to have “Sensory Processing Disorder due to Anosmia.” In other words, her other senses were in hyper drive to compensate for the lack of the sense of smell. And her sudden meltdowns were similar to that of an autistic child who has some sudden input that their brain can’t handle. This was her norm. So we began to work (on our own because our insurance wouldn’t cover a therapist) on how to handle inputs. We got her a mini trampoline so she could jump til her heart was content. And lots of other modifications. And she started coping. She was calmer. Because we were able to realize her needs and pre-empt a lot of her episodes.

Becca and Mommy — This photo was taken the week she turned three – right at the same time she started reading.

And then, the week before she turned three, she picked up a book she had never seen before and read it out loud. Correctly. Our world stopped again. The early childhood educator in me SCREAMED out. This wasn’t possible. She didn’t even understand rhyming yet – how could she read? I mean, we read with her every day, but how was she able to pick up long books she’d never seen before and read them – at THREE – with no formal training? Her Mother’s Day Out teacher was SO helpful that year. She gave her little challenges to do for “homework” because she saw Becca’s NEED/CRAVING for academia. And Becca just kept growing mentally. Her mental leaps and bounds were incredible. But with those leaps and bounds, we saw and suddenly learned the meaning of “Asynchronous Development.” One part of her brain was growing, but the rest wasn’t. As she got older, Grayson, her brother who is 23 1/2 months younger, was also getting older. And he was reaching physical milestones before she did. He could put on his shoes and completely dress himself before she could. He was climbing our play structure and sliding down and she was still needing help to get up. When it came time for her to do PreK, I taught her at home while he spent the day at MDO. The first semester, I allowed her to lay on the floor or stand up to work, and let her guide the instruction to things she was interested in. The second semester, I had her sit in a hard chair at the table to work and made her do so for longer and longer periods – trying to prepare her for the rigors of public school. But when she started kindergarten, I honestly wasn’t sure how our Sensory Seeking / Tactile and Auditory Defensive girl was going to do. Kindergarten was full of behavior issues, but we pressed on and she grew by leaps and bounds socially and emotionally.

This year in first grade, she has blossomed. Suddenly, she started smelling things and her senses began to level out. Girl Scouts has given her an outlet for her caring heart and adventurous outdoorsy side to really flourish, and she has worked really hard academically. She has pressed hard to control her behavior, and has succeeded on many occasions. Many profoundly gifted students are so asynchronous that their social abilities are lacking, and many are also far behind because they are not high achieving (they lack the drive to care about grades or pleasing teachers). But Becca somehow has the social AND academic abilities AND is high achieving! She WANTS to be the best. And while she fights against homework like any other kid, she’s upset when she misses one on a homework paper or especially on a test. She’s long been a perfectionist, and she was always proud when she brought home progress reports with 100 in every class. This year, she learned to accept the fact that a 97 is ok, but would always fight back to try to bring them up. That’s just the way she is. She’s very hard on herself. High school will be a challenge. But we as parents strive to encourage her to be her. “Do you” is a great theme for her. Because who she is is amazing.

We took the advice of her teachers this year, and have had her test to be in third grade at her new school next year. We won’t know the results until the end of July, and we know that God will place her wherever she needs to be. If it’s His plan for her to be in third grade, she will be. If she’s meant to stay with her age group peers, she’ll be in second grade. And we are working hard to encourage her that either result is perfect because it’s God’s plan. Her perfectionist side says she didn’t do well on the math test, but she OFTEN came home this year saying that about math tests, and then she’d get them back and would have gotten 100 or just missed one. So we really don’t know what to expect. She has to receive at least an 80% on each of the four subject area tests she took. So we anxiously await those results. This opportunity was truly made for kids like her.

And then we got more confirmation of that today. We had received an email that she’d be receiving a character award at the end of the year awards ceremony this morning, and we were ready with the phone to video when her teacher started talking. But she didn’t receive a classroom award. Instead, the principal started talking at the end, and we knew that was it. She received the “Hugo Award” – which is essentially the Student of the Year award. For all of first grade. Based on character and academic achievement. I’m still in shock at how far she has come. I can still see myself, sitting in the floor, pregnant with Gray, bear-hugging my toddler who had just had another meltdown and was screaming and kicking, and I was begging God to take away whatever was making her crazy and just calm her down. And I started singing. Softly. Under the screams, into her ear. I started singing “Amazing Grace.” Tears were streaming down my face and I gave up. I gave her to God and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” And she went limp in my arms. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have given up so quickly. But that’s exactly what I needed to do. I needed to let go and trust Him with all of her disabilities and all of her abilities. I needed to realize that He wasn’t expecting Cody and me to do this on our own. He was expecting us to trust Him with her. She isn’t ours, she is His. Once I realized that, she was free to start becoming who He has made her to be today – and beyond. I am so proud of who she is becoming. She truly has a heart of gold, and is the most loving and thoughtful person I know. We are beyond blessed to be her parents and get to watch her grow up.

Becca Hugo Collage — Becca with her teacher, Ms. Hudson, by her school sign, in the school garden, and with her principal, Ms. Palmer.

I recently asked her to finish some famous proverbs with whatever words she thought fit best. Some of them ended up super silly. But some of them ended up with my mouth hanging open. I’ll share those here. Because it speaks to the depth of her thoughts, the depth of her faith, and to possibly why the entire first grade team of teachers chose HER out of all of the kids they could select from.

It’s always darkest before … sunrise.

Never underestimate the power of … Jesus.

Don’t bite the hand that … does good.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … get licked all over your face.

Love all, trust … God.

An idle mind is … irresponsible and lazy.

Happy the bride who … married a good man.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … the world helps you.

There are none so blind as … the one who does evil.

Children should be seen and not … be ignored.

When the blind lead the blind … to Jesus, He heals them.

Happy 7th Birthday, Baby Girl! I love you, my Becca Boo!

A Letter To Myself – in the past

Dear Younger Me,

There’s so much I could say. You’re only a year younger than me right now. But there is so much coming ahead of you. Treasure every moment. There is going to be fear you’ve never felt. There is going to be joy that you can’t imagine. There will be sorrow beyond belief. It will be a rollercoaster ride. But there is nothing I will say to try to prevent any of it from happening. I won’t tell you what it is, or how it happened. I won’t tell you. But I will say that in the end, it will all be worth it. You will grow closer to your kids than you could ever imagine. You and Cody will have a relationship that is so much deeper than comprehension. Your faith will be tested, and will be found to be strong. You aren’t without fault. You will YELL at God. Both in your head, and literally out loud. You will be scared. You will be angry. You will lose a LOT of sleep. But you will learn lessons I couldn’t begin to outline in a simple note. It will be worth every moment of agony. It will be worth every single sleepless night. It will be worth the PTSD that is left as a shadow. Because you can’t truly know the joy of life without tasting the fear of death. I wouldn’t want to do it again. I pray you never relive this past year in any form. But if we do, I know from the year I’ve just come through that we will survive because God will carry us. He will carry you high on His shoulders this next year. Because there will be times you can’t even begin to walk. And I promise you, He will never, ever let you down.

-Your self, one year in the future

This note was inspired by the following song:
Dear Younger Me
by MercyMe

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

The Waiting Game

One of my least favorite things to do in life is wait. It begins when we’re children, just dying for Christmas to finally arrive. And it never really stops, does it? We’re always anxiously awaiting something. Positive things – like weddings, anniversaries, graduations, the birth of a new baby, surprise parties we’ve been planning for months. But also negative things – like waiting for blood test results, waiting for a friend to be healed or to pass, waiting to hear if you failed an exam.

Waiting is hard. It stretches us beyond our normal lengths. It grows us in ways we might not prefer to grow. It builds anticipation, and then often lets us down. Waiting. Frankly, it sucks.

We live in a society that wants everything instantly. We have fast food drive thru, and now we even have the ability at multiple establishments to order our food on our phones so it will be ready when we arrive. Because waiting for even five minutes is just. too. difficult.

And I’m guilty of the same thing. I don’t like to wait. I appreciate a good, fast moving drive thru line. I have been known to do those mobile orders ahead so I can just run in and take two seconds and not really connect with any one person more than that.

But yet, that is not the life we are called to live. I’m feeling a lot of conviction over that lately – my lack of ability to wait. The Justin Graves Band song “Wait for the Lord” is playing itself like a broken record in my mind, and ironically, I haven’t even listened to it in a couple months. Conviction. God knows how to get thru to us… He really does!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 are some very famous verses. Even secular artists refer frequently to these prophetic words. And yet, we rarely really take them to heart. Have you ever REALLY sat down and read those words? It’s a run down of what science calls “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Thank you, Mr. Newton… for reframing what the Bible had told us generations before. Both Solomon and Newton were extremely wise men, who were absolutely right. Our problem today is that we want everything quick – without taking the time to do the opposite. Sometimes there is a time to wait.

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Right now I have a horrendous amount of fire ant bites on my feet. That wait – between getting the bites, and the pain and itching and burning two days later – that wait was bliss. I knew the pain was coming. But I had these few moments of fleeting hope that maybe this time… maybe THIS time they wouldn’t hurt. Well, then, this morning, here is that pain. The old familiar burn and itch. And now the other waiting begins – the waiting for the burn and itch to go away. Because it will. I know that this pain is only temporary. It won’t last forever.

Waiting between our two children for that positive pregnancy test… and the ultrasound to confirm a healthy life. That was a hard wait. Twice we got part of the equation. And twice our hearts were broken when there was no healthy life. But we waited. And in that waiting, I admit I did a lot of fighting with God. I told Him all about my time table. And then, suddenly, in what now seems like just a short little time, we were pregnant. And this time it was our Grayson. He was healthy. He was kicking early, and I suddenly had this great reminder that God is in control, and He has a very special plan – and timing! – for our lives.

Flash forward. Suddenly, that little baby we waited SO LONG (not really!) for is THREE years old! And he doesn’t like to wait. For anything. He whines. He cries. He pulls out his Mr. Sass and uses that attitude toward anyone who makes him wait – for anything. Heck, he’ll even get in front of me and stop when I’m walking and don’t pick him up fast enough. Because he is a child. Selfish, and unable to wait on my timing. He doesn’t understand when my answer is “no.” He certainly doesn’t understand when my answer is “not right now.” And yet, how much the same I am with God!

Watching Gray in his frustration, and then going back and reading the words of King David in many of his Psalms, I know that waiting is hard. It always has been, and it always will be. It’s not easy. And yet, we are called to wait on the Lord. We are called to wait, to trust, and also to hope. And honestly, I think we are called to do those three things not because they are easy, but rather because they are difficult. They build character. Leaning on faith in the unknown is difficult. It’s hard. It’s AGONIZING!!! But in the end, we will have learned, and grown just a little bit stronger. Our faith in God will be enhanced.

These two verses from Psalm speak so much to my heart right now. I see the humanness of David, and yet, look at all God was able to do in and through his life, and through his descendants! How much He can do through me, when I put my hope in His words!

And then, the song comes to me, “Soar” by Meredith Andrews. He has made these promises to us, and He is a promise keeper. We just have to wait. And in that waiting, we find Him there, lifting us up on wings like eagles to soar. You may find yourself feeling like a pigeon – just waiting for a speck of food on the sidewalk. But friend, remember – He has promised to lift us up to be eagles. The wait isn’t that long. It isn’t that hard. You can do this. You can soar. It’s hard – the waiting. We wait for the morning like watchmen who are nervously jumping at every shadow. But when that morning comes, it’s gonna be the most amazing sunrise you can imagine! Take heart, my friend! He has overcome the darkest nights, and His mercies are new every single morning. And that morning WILL come. It will. The wait may seem long. But take heart – while we wait, we can soar!

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Speak Life

Time goes by so quickly. It seems I start most of my posts by saying something similar, though. I have goals and dreams of writing all these fabulous things, and then life happens. Because so many other things take priority… and because so many other things weigh me down. This weekend I had a conversation with a friend who got me thinking – we as moms of young kids really crave connection. Even if you aren’t a super extroverted person, it’s just so vital to know that you aren’t alone. To see someone else’s kids act up in public, to hear someone else’s daughter talk back… it somehow doesn’t make my children’s behavior ok, but it makes me at least feel like I’m not alone. I’m not the only one fighting the battle day in and day out. Time is flying… and yet, the hours seem to go by so very slowly on this often very lonely island called Motherhood.

And then we also talked about the elephant in the room. Ya know, self image issues. We both feel fat. We’ve gained weight. And we weren’t making excuses, just commiserating, and expressing frustration that all these people on social media seem to have some “magic drink/pill/patch” that will “fix it” for us – something that makes their life perfect. Because her patch and my drink aren’t making it perfect for us. It helps occasionally, but it’s not perfect. And we’re frustrated with the image that everyone puts out there. It seems we both want to know that we’re not the only moms who are using products that aren’t perfect, but they help. I don’t want to hear why your product is so much better than mine. I want to know that you have something that works most of the time for you, but that you respect my right to try something different. She wants to hear that working out every single day doesn’t always make you lose weight. She wants to hear that energy isn’t always found in her little patch – because it’s not magic, and some days it’s just not gonna work. Other days, we’ll both conquer the world, thankyouverymuch, thanks to help from the products we choose to use. But interestingly enough, as we had this random conversation, I looked her over, and thought, “dang, really I think she looks good, what’s she talking about!?” And she looked me over and thought the very same thing! The best part was, though, I opened my mouth… and said it. And then she repeated my words back to me. And when she did, she spoke life into my heart.

Because friends, the mirror is our WORST enemy. It’s satan’s little tool to help us see all the flaws – all the curves, wrinkles, splotches, and bouncy parts. What we need to remember is something my pastor talked about this morning… and made me think of one of my favorite TobyMac songs – we NEED desperately to be Speaking LIFE into our fellow moms. We need to remember the power that our tongue wields over our body, and use it for the GOOD! We need to see a random woman on the sidewalk and tell her “that dress looks gorgeous on you!” We need to see that mom in the pediatricians office who has obviously been up all night getting thrown up on, and tell her, “I LOVE the color of your hair! It makes your eyes look so lovely.” And not made-up fake crap-words. But genuinely LOOK at the moms around you. LOOK at them. See them for the daughters of the King that they are, and tell them the beauty that you see. Because when we speak life into each other, we are better equipped to be moms. Satan knows how to use that mirror first thing in the morning to lie to us and set our day off on the wrong foot. And he will. He’ll use it against us day after day. He’ll use that button on the top of our jeans, and the zipper against us, too. And don’t even get me started on that little black square that sits on the bathroom floor and taunts us with bright red numbers.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m NOT suggesting that we shouldn’t each strive to be our best. I’m not saying that weight loss and health products aren’t good – they each serve a purpose. But I am fully realizing that every single one of our bodies is different. What helps one person really may do NOTHING for someone else. And we can strive for health all day long, day in and day out, and still feel horrible about the way we look. Because self image is probably the number one thing that women struggle with. We change the color and style of our hair, use tons of makeup, have a billion outfits, different purses, shoes, and mountains of jewelry. Why? All to attempt to sort of make ourselves feel better about the way we look. And nothing can change it. It’s built in. It’s going to happen. But when we start owning this, and realizing that we CAN affect how someone else lives their day just by speaking a word of life-changing encouragement to them in a brief moment, then that’s when we start to affect change in our own lives. Because when you speak life to others, God speaks it right back into your own heart.

We may look at a women who visually we think has it all together, but she needs encouragement just as much as we do! You truly can’t judge a book (or a woman) by its/her cover!!

And y’all, I’m writing this to myself, too – because so many times I go introverted and just walk right on by. But the times when I do speak up and say something to someone, the smile that they return to me is so amazing that it takes my breath away. I will never forget the woman’s face and her smile – she was totally rocking a bright yellow dress, and as I headed in to the doctors office one day, I just had to tell her, “that dress is stunning on you!” Her smile lit up her entire face. Y’all, I don’t know what her number on the scale was. I know that the size of her dress would have swallowed me whole. But y’all, she was ROCKING that dress. And she needed to know it. This is what I’m talking about. We need to look around. And look out. Because when all we do is look down, all we’re going to see is the bulge at our waistline and the chip on our toenail polish and the strips of cellulite peeking out from below the end of our shorts (if we dare to wear shorts – I know I don’t!). And y’all, we aren’t the only ones with those issues and those insecurities. We are not alone.

So let’s look out, ladies. And let’s speak up. And speak life. And change lives with our words.

Priorities

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Man, life gets busy. Doesn’t it? I mean, seriously. I sat down to lunch with a dear friend yesterday. She moved to Michigan almost a year ago. But as we talked, we realized a full year went by between when I saw her last and their move. Because as we also discussed, the years fly by, but the days go by so slow. ‘Tis the season. We have a four and a half year old, and a two and a half year old. The hours between when room time is done and when bed time arrives are the longest of the day. They typically include a lot of extreme emotions, too – lots of laughter, and lots of screaming and crying (and that’s just the kids… not to mention the rollercoaster I ride with them…) And it’s honestly so hard to get up every day, knowing the rollercoaster awaits, and look at my to do list and to prioritize what is really important, and what is fluff that can wait til the next day.

Y’all! Please tell me I’m not alone in this struggle. Stephen Covey makes it sound so dang easy. Oh, just put things into categories, and then go with it. It doesn’t matter how many cute stickers I put in my planner, y’all. Some days, I don’t just use them. I don’t write down all the things that need to be done because they are just too many to write. I don’t need to write “dishes” and “laundry” on my calendar every day. No, they have become as inevitable to me as death and taxes. Every single day of my life as a mom of two kids, those things will haunt me. Until one day they won’t, and then I will wonder at how long it takes for the laundry to pile, and how many hours the sink will sit totally empty. And I’ll miss it. I know I will. Because I spend time with friends who are empty nesters, and they tell me to treasure these moments.

So I’m trying. I try to prioritize my kids needs first. I’m trying to stop and take time to build with magnets and play with trains and push them on the swings. Because work and housework and responsibilities like paying bills and planning church lessons are all a means to an end. They are good things. Things that need to happen because I have committed myself to them. But those things will amazingly still be there to do when the kids are long gone. They won’t be little forever. As evidenced by the fact that we have now lived in this house five and a half years… we’ve been married eight and a half years… and our two beautiful babies aren’t babies any more. Time keeps marching on. As I sit and type this, the house is silent. It’s just the hum of the refrigerator, the bubbling of the fish tank, and… the ticking of the clock. Because time is marching. Always.

This past week in my Bible study at church we heard some amazing words from Beth Moore. She read a survey question from a mom that hit me. This mom said “You’re only as happy as your saddest child.” Beth went on to say that when we lean on God, “[He] can take our mourning and turn it to wild dancing.” That really has resonated with me. Because I so often get caught up in the fears and sadness of whatever emotional rollercoaster my kids are riding. And then I realize that it’s my job to help them lean on Him to help get off the ride. Granted, Gray is too young to understand, but Becca is very much in tune to talking to God and asking Him for help. So I guess all of this is to say that this week I have started realizing my number one priority is to lean on Him, and to put my kids in a close second – teaching them to also lean on Him. Everything else is just details. They fall way down the priority list. Because really, if I lean on Him, and teach them to lean on Him, everything else will fall into place. No, the dishes won’t do themselves, and sadly neither will the laundry. But I will find strength to do the things that need to be done when I FIRST place my trust in Him. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it IS the most important.

How are you prioritizing your life? It’s a challenge to remember to keep God first. Sometimes it’s hard to even put the kids above all the chores! It’s a daily struggle. As Beth Moore says (in her Esther study), “It’s tough being a woman who feels responsible for the ‘how.'” But y’all, the beautiful truth she goes on to share is what has gotten me through this week. She said, “Girlfriend, we are called to OBEDIENCE, not to figure out how to solve everything!” Isn’t that beautiful? Read it again. We are called to OBEDIENCE, NOT to figure out how to solve every problem. So put God first. And let Him organize the rest of your priorities. Because all those things are important. Friendships are important. But when you listen to Him, He will bring you back together with a long lost friend at exactly the right moment. Trust me. That’s exactly what happened to me this week. It all works out because He’s got the details. Let Him handle your priorities. When the emotional and physical rollercoaster you’re riding is just too much and you feel like the drama is going to pull you into the deep, let Him come in and rescue you. He promises He will. And y’all, He KEEPS HIS PROMISES!

Be blessed!