Last night I watched the movie “Miracles from Heaven”… and it really got me thinking. I wrote this letter to my son, and sent it to the special email account we created for him before he was born. I’ve been emailing him (and his sister at her account) off and on as things come up. And then, when he is old enough (probably 21, maybe older), I will share the email address and password with him, and he can begin to go and read these letters. Some of them, I share here on my blog. This is one I felt compelled to share. I hope it is a blessing to someone. Here’s a picture of my lil man playing with chalk paints taken this past week. It’s hard to imagine him a grown man reading this letter, but I pray that someday he will read it, and that it will be a blessing to him.
Hey sweet boy!
By the time you are reading this letter, you’ll be old enough to know the story of how you came to be. The story of God’s miracle of you. And how Mommy (and Daddy) learned that sometimes God’s answer is “no” before it is “yes.”
But this week, I’m thinking about it all over again, and I felt lead to write you this letter. Three years ago this week, I felt you move inside of me for the first time. It was almost like some unspoken covenant from God that THIS was the child I would carry to full term. It was way too early for me to be feeling you, and yet, there you were – my steady kicker who moved ten times more than your sister ever had. Your movements felt like a promise because three years ago this week was also when I was due with your first little angel sibling. Thinking back to when we lost that baby, so very early into our pregnancy, and yet still such a raw and painful feeling… I was so desperately sad. And then, when we lost the second just a couple months later, I was mad at God. Why would He let me get pregnant and then take my babies away? I’ll never understand the answer to that question. But I do know one thing – YOU are a miracle, and every single day I treasure you just a little bit more than I probably would have if we wouldn’t have had that struggle.
Sometimes God walks us through the fire before He gives us the miracle we need… so that we will lean on Him more. So that we will trust in Him and remember He is in control. So that we will fully appreciate the miracle on the other side. Because, if either of those other two babies had lived, we never would have had you. YOU are the answer to why they weren’t meant to be.
So when you struggle in life with wondering why God’s answer is “no”… or maybe He even seems totally silent and the answer is “not right now,” I know it’s hard to be patient. I know it’s hard to trust. I know how easy it is to lose your faith. Because I have been there. But you have the distinct ability that not many people have to be able to just go and look in the mirror. YOU were our answer to “no” and “not right now.” Your LIFE is the perfect picture of God’s perfect plan. Your life may not feel like it’s God’s perfect plan all the time. But YOU ARE A MIRACLE!! He created you with special purpose and meaning. Back in the spring of 2013, months before you were even conceived, He had YOU in mind. He knew YOU. He loved YOU. And He was planning for YOU. He said “no” to two other babies so that YOU might live.
Also don’t lose sight of the strength that comes from the journey. The Bible tells us that in this life we will have pain. We will have sorrow. But to have HOPE – because HE has overcome all the problems of the world. And through the struggles, He gives us strength to overcome. He teaches us to lean a little harder on Him. And He teaches us to reach out to our brothers and sisters who struggle – to support them and be an actual physical leaning post here on this Earth.
I will never fully understand why God wanted me to have two miscarriages before having you. It seems like everything would have been so much easier if I just hadn’t even gotten pregnant until it was time for you. But when I look back at all of the women that I have been able to encourage when they walked through the same valley… and when I think of all of the women that I have been able to bond with by sharing my story and realizing they have walked a similar path… then I start to get a glimpse of the “why.” When I realize how much stronger my faith became – BECAUSE I questioned God, BECAUSE I raged at God, BECAUSE I fell into a heap of emotional mess at His feet when I finally gave up – then I start to get another glimpse of God’s “why.” When I realize how much stronger of a marriage your Daddy and I have because of the fire we walked through together, I start to get yet another glimpse of God’s “why.” I learned that when I am weak, God has given me a very physical representation of His love right here on Earth to lean on. Your Daddy will be strong when I need him. He will lift me up and carry me when I can’t walk – both literally and figuratively.
Most of all, I learned that the old saying “everything happens for a reason” really is true. But for us, we could modify it to say “Grayson happened for a reason.” God has a reason for you. He has a purpose for you. Even if you don’t see it today or tomorrow or next week or six years from now. Your life has meaning. Your life has purpose. Your life is special. Go look in the mirror. YOUR LIFE IS TRULY A MIRACLE.
I’m praying for you, my sweet boy. Every single day. That you will grow into the man God wants you to be. That whoever is the woman to be your helpmate will be strong in her faith, and that she will build you up and encourage you. I pray the two of you never have to walk through the same fires that Daddy and I have walked, but if you do, look in the mirror. When you walk through different trials together, remember Who is in charge. And remember that “why” doesn’t always have an answer that we can comprehend, but He is in control. And He really does have a plan. He loves you, and He created you. YOU ARE A MIRACLE. The woman walking beside you is a miracle who was created JUST FOR YOU. Love her. Cherish her. And carry her through the fire. Being broken together makes the bonds of healing so much stronger. Your cord of three will never fully unravel when you lean on each other, and together lean on Him.
I love you, Baby Boy. I love you, Little Bear. I love you, Bubs. I love you, Gray Gray. I love you, Grayson Cody Hinnant. No matter how old you are when you read this. My love for you will never die. “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my Baby you’ll be.”