Perfect… Or not.

So I have this picture in my mind.  Always.  Of every scenario.  I can see the perfect, and then I can see the worst case scenario.  Usually, in my life anyway, what happens in reality falls somewhere in between.  So reality is somewhat unknown.  And it’s the fear of the unknown that holds me back.

I have to learn to let go. The phrase “Let Go and Let God” often seems so trite.  And yet, it’s scary how accurate it is.  In our lives as parents, in our careers as business people, in our relationships as friends… If we just would let go of all the fears that are holding us back and just let God direct… Wow.  The possibilities are limitless.

I never planned to have a gifted child.  I mean, yeah, the smart kid who enjoys school would be a plus.  Ya know, a teacher’s pet like I was- high achieving, reach for the stars kinda kid.  But gifted?  Nope.  Never dreamed of it.  Because I was too busy imagining the what ifs of having a child with a major learning disability or dreaming of having a kid who floated through school on a cloud.  

I never imagined I’d have a three year old who could read.  Like genuinely, pick up a brand new book, open it, and read 95% of the words inside.  I was too busy worrying I might have a third grader who couldn’t read, or planning how much fun it would be to teach my three year old about shapes and colors and play little matching games to realize what my reality could be.

Some people might think it’s the most proud, bragging sort of thing for me to call a spade a spade and say that Becca is gifted.  But that’s because they don’t know.  They don’t feel the pain. They don’t see the anguish.  They don’t know my fears.  They don’t see her tears.  

She knows she’s “different.”  She is socially aware.  She sees the kids her age, and then she sees kids much older, and she knows where her brain belongs vs where her body belongs.  She struggles. And because she struggles, I do to.  

I wrestle with just letting her do “whatever” and continuing to teach her new things.  But I’ve come to a realization.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  She wants to learn.  She has a drive and a desire to learn more and more.  I have watched this week as she was devistated to realize she doesn’t understand the concept of rhyming… And seen her find every rhyming game on her Kindle, request every Super Why episode that involves rhyming, play her rhyming game, work her rhyming puzzles, and ask me a million times in a day, “Does ____ rhyme with ____?”  She WANTS to understand.  She WANTS to grasp this concept that has somehow managed to evade her thus far.

Because she wants to learn, I will teach.  If it kills me, I will teach her.  She may be stubborn.  She may be strong willed.  She may have sensory issues out the wazoo.  But I love her more than any other human in this planet (altho her Daddy comes in an extremely close second!!), and therefore I am more than qualified to teach her.  God placed me in every training class in college, every bit of research on my master’s, every student I ever taught in public school- they were all training me for THIS.  To be her mom.

  
(Not to mention Grayson, who seems to be coming right along in her footsteps speaking in two-four word sentences and recognizing a couple of the colors already at 13 months.)

So am I perfect?  Heck no.  Is this “unschooling homeschool” perfect?  Far, far from it.  But it WILL be the perfect place for my kids with His help.  And we’ll get through every step of the way – whether we be here at home, in a public, in a private, in a charter, or in an online school.  

I don’t have this mom thing all figured out.  I know I’m a pretty big screw up most days.  But I have figured one thing out: I’m in love.  The man I married is the most amazing man in the world.  And our children are beautiful.  These three humans are so precious to me.  I can’t imagine life without them.  Perfect, worst case scenario, or reality- I’ll take them any way they come.

  
I look forward to loosely planning our fall and sharing with you as I set up our themes and work with Becca to create our goals!  I hope you’ll check in with my Facebook page to stay updated on the latest ideas!! 

I’ll be back!

Whew.  Life is more than a little crazy around here lately!  I just haven’t had a spare moment to type up all the wonderful things going on!  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.  It’ll just be a few days before I get a chance to sit down and write!

Home Sweet Home

I love traveling. I really do. And I love seeing family and dear friends even more. But I’m pretty sure that laying in my own bed has ever felt quite this good! Ahhhh home. The kids feel the same – Grayson audibly sighed when I put him in his crib.

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God’s Gracie

So back at the beginning of the year, I set a goal- to be more thoughtful. It seems ironic, now- for a pregnant woman to attempt thoughtfulness. They don’t call it “Baby Brain” for nothin, ya’ll. Seriously. Some days I’m doing good to remember if I put on deoderant and brushed my teeth, much less if someone’s birthday is coming up, or they’ve been ill or on a job search. And, sadly enough, here is is only early April… And already my focus has been less on others and more on the mirror- and my ever-growing midsection.

It’s hard to be pregnant. Noone ever said it’d be easy. Wasn’t the first time around, didn’t expect a cake walk the second time around either. But the hardest part is to be a woman and pregnant. Yeah, I know- that’s how it works. But somehow vanity makes it harder to be pregnant. Maybe if I didn’t care so much about how I look it would be easier. Or maybe if I chose to listen to my Maker instead of the little devil on my shoulder, then I’d feel better about who I am while pregnant.

This morning I got a dose of His reality. After feeling particularly frustrated at a lack of wardrobe options, we headed off to church. I pasted on a smile and hoped noone would see how much weight I’ve gained since we were last able to attend- before Spring Allergy Attack 2014 hit our family with a vengance. Well, someone did notice me. And much to my shock and surprise, her comment rocked my world- in a good way. What one of our youth told me has stuck with me all day.

“I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you look today! I saw you from on stage where we were singing and you just look so pretty today.”

God’s Gracie. Sweet Gracie. Thank you. Her comment reminded me that while my world spins around me and I may feel out of control, her world is doing the same… She’s a senior in high school about to set out into a huge, unknown world… And yet, she found the mere seconds it took to say something that made my day. Gracie is always a sweet girl, so I’m not surprised she made the comment. But she has no idea how thankful I am, on so many levels, that she did.

Because I need to remember
A) I am beautiful, no matter how pregnant I am or how fat I feel.
B) Others around me NEED me to be thoughtful and share God’s light with them.

God gave me that moment with Gracie to gently remind me that He loves me. He finds me beautiful. And He wants me to step out and share that with others. Thank you, God, and thank you, Gracie.

Another Smile in Heaven

I haven’t had the words to write, and what I say now will probably not do her justice, but on this past Thursday, Heaven gained another smiling face. I know she’s smiling because I know how very much she loved our Father and how very happy she must be to finally be sitting at His feet, and singing His praises with the saints. I haven’t even seen her in a couple of years, and before that it had been quite a while, but that won’t ever change the impact she had on my life at a very pivitol time for me.

I was in middle school, and even though she was the mom of a good friend, she was my youth pastor’s wife, and I could confide in her anything. We laughed together. We rolled our eyes at annoying boys on the bus to church camp together. She was fun, and a good friend. I remember game nights at their house, and serious times too- of Bible study and prayer.

She was a phenominal woman. I remember hearing the news – and the words fell on my ears like a bucket of ice water being dumped on top of my head. She had cancer. I had heard about lots of people with cancer, but not her. Not someone invincible. Not Kelly.

After a long fight, she no longer has to struggle. She no longer feels the pain of living on earth in a body that had betrayed her. She’s free. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt that she is singing with the angels right now.

Thank you, Kelly, for the impact you made in my life. I’ll never forget you, and will forever be greatful.

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“Thank You” by Ray Boltz
I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me;
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea.
We heard the angels singing
Then someone called your name.
You turned and saw the young man
And he was smiling as he came.

And he said, “Friend you may not know me now.”
And then he said, “But wait,
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight.
And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start.
And one day when you said that prayer,
I asked Jesus in my heart.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Then another man stood before you
And said, “Remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry.
You didn’t have much money,
But you gave it anyway.
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that’s why I am here today.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

One by one they came
Far as the eye could see.
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity.
Little things that you had done,
Sacrifices made,
Unnoticed on the earth
In heaven, now proclaimed.

And I know up in heaven
You’re not supposed to cry.
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes.
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord.
He said, “My child, look around you.
Great is your reward.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Copyright 1988 Gaither Music/ASCAP All rights reserved.